


To Build a Home

by 1Lunabug7



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxious Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley Takes Care of Aziraphale (Good Omens), Depressed Crowley (Good Omens), Eventual Romance, Hurt Aziraphale (Good Omens), Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mute Aziraphale (Good Omens), Nightmares, Oblivious Aziraphale (Good Omens), Oblivious Crowley (Good Omens), POV Multiple, Protective Crowley (Good Omens), Robbery, Self-Worth Issues, Traumatized Aziraphale (Good Omens)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:35:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24615400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1Lunabug7/pseuds/1Lunabug7
Summary: They thought that they were safe, they had tricked the entirety of Heaven and Hell after all, but after Aziraphale suffers a traumatic event, leaving him mute and unable to move without assistance, Crowley realizes that they will never be safe. Now, he has to take care of Aziraphale and not crack under pressure. Will Aziraphale ever be the same again?! Or will Crowley lose him, as well as himself, forever?!
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley & Anathema Device
Comments: 18
Kudos: 99





	1. Before

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is my first attempt at a multi-chapter fic, so tell me if I need to make improvements. This fic deals a lot with mental health struggles, so if that's a trigger for you, please be advised. I hope you enjoy it!  
> P.s. the title and the song lyrics are from the song To Build a Home by The Cinematic Orchestra

  


_ There is a house built of stone _

_ Wooden floors, walls, and windowsills _

_ Tables and chairs worn by all the dust _

_ This is a place where I don’t feel alone _

_ This is a place where I feel at home _

  


(Aziraphale’s bookshop, after body-switching sequence)

Aziraphale

“Crowley, my dear boy,” Aziraphale leaned back on his well-worn armchair, he was quite exhausted after the day they had had. “I’m sorry to cut this short but…”

“Yeah,” Crowley put his sunglasses back on and got up, “I got to get going anyways. Need to clean up the mess in my flat after, you know, what happened to Ligur…” He glanced around nervously.

“Ahh, right.” Aziraphale noticed the demon wringing his hands, “Is there something wrong, my dear?”

“Nope, no, nothing’s wrong?” He turned to leave, but then stopped.

“Aziraphale…”

“Yes?” His eyes searched imploringly as if waiting for something.

“I… I lo- I’d really love to have more, more nights like this…”

Aziraphale smiled somewhat sadly, “Me too, Crowley. Tomorrow?”

“Sure… g’night, Angel.” Then he really left, leaving Aziraphale alone.

Aziraphale frowned, he had hoped, he had really hoped. He shook his head at his foolishness. After all, how could a demon love an angel?

_“No matter. As long as I get to enjoy his company, what does it matter if he doesn’t reciprocate my feelings.”_ He thought that, but, in reality, it felt like his heart was shattering. After all they had been through, Paris, 1793, St. James’s Park, 1862, London, 1941, Soho, 1963, hell… they had just stopped the apocalypse together. All the laughter, the secret meetings, the fights; did it mean nothing? “Buck up, Aziraphale,” he said to himself, “it’ll be okay. It’ll all work out in the end it’s… it’s, ineffable. That’s what it is… ineffab- “

Tears began to run down Aziraphale’s face. He put his face in his hands, trying to choke back a sob. The pain, oh the pain. It spread slowly from his chest, consuming his entire being. It was agony, complete and utter agony.

Aziraphale sat up in realization. What if- what if Crowley HAD loved him!? However, every time Aziraphale stalled the relationship, Crowley had lost a little more hope. Oh, how could he do that to Crowley? The emotional turmoil he must have felt… Aziraphale shivered at the memory of Crowley’s face when he had said those awful words, _“You go too fast for me.”_ How many times had he said that he and Crowley weren’t friends over the millennia? How many times had he hesitated? He thought back to yesterday when Crowley had asked him to run away with him. The hope and longing in Crowley’s face as he desperately tried to show Aziraphale the truth, but Aziraphale hadn’t listened. Was there anything, anything that he could do?

He could- he could try and talk to Crowley tomorrow. Apologize for all the pain that he had caused him. Yeah, that could work. He would swallow his pride and ask for forgiveness. His face showed newfound determination. He stood up to grab a book off of one of his many bookshelves when he heard voices behind him.

“Why so sad Aziraphale? Does your boyfriend not love you back?” A voice mocked.

The hairs on Aziraphale’s neck stood up as he turned around. “Michael, Gabriel, Uriel, wh-what are you all doing here? I thought we were done with this.” Aziraphale stammered, failing at trying to sound any sort of confident.

“Not quite, Aziraphale. You may have avoided death, but you’re about to experience something much, much worse.”

“I-I don’t understand.” Fear began to take over Aziraphale’s senses, adrenalin coursing through his veins. Panic had replaced the pain that he was feeling in his heart.

“Oh, you will,” Gabriel motioned at Uriel and Michael and they began to head towards Aziraphale.

“What- what are you doing?!” Aziraphale tried to back away, but the other angels were too quick. They gripped his shoulders and forced him down. Aziraphale gasped.

“Now, Aziraphale, we can do this the easy way, or the hard way.” Gabriel chuckled and walked towards Aziraphale, and he noticed for the first time the sword in his hand. “The easy way, you willingly open your wings for us, and we get this over with, pure and simple. The hard way, we force you to open your wings, ultimately causing you way more pain. Now, choose wisely, you don’t get a second chance.”

Aziraphale honestly considered option one for a brief moment. After all, it was the simplest path, but then he thought of Crowley. What if Hell was after him too!? No, Aziraphale needed to at least try to escape Heaven’s evil clutches. Crowley’s life as well as his own depended on it. He started swinging wildly, trying to escape the angels’ grasps.

Gabriel frowned, “I see you’ve made your choice. You two! Open his wings!” Aziraphale struggled to free himself but groaned in pain as his wings unfurled, tearing his shirt and vest apart. A white expanse filled the small area, knocking over bookshelves and various other items. Michael and Uriel were taken slightly aback, they had never seen wings so white, so pure. It scared them. In Heaven, everything was the same, from clothing choices to wing patterns, nothing was out of place. Aziraphale was always a little strange, but this was…. different, and not in a good way. They looked up at Gabriel, not sure what to do.

“What are you doing! I thought I told you to hold him down!” He snapped and they scrambled back towards Aziraphale. Gabriel stepped towards Aziraphale, who was still struggling to escape, despite the aching pain in his back.

“You know, I’m am going to enjoy this so much. I knew you were always a little odd Aziraphale, but seriously, loving a demon. Now, that’s just foolish. Are you really that stupid?” He brandished the sword, pausing to admire its dangerous glow, before continuing. “Can’t you see, he doesn’t love you. He never has. He just felt sorry for you, Aziraphale. How pathetic is that? A lowly demon, feeling sorry for an angel, how preposterous!”

Aziraphale had stopped struggling, taking in Gabriel’s words. _“He’s right, isn’t he? How could Crowley love me? He couldn’t! I’m too pathetic, too soft! Too soft… too pathetic… not good enough… not EVER good enough….”_ He looked down at the ornate carpet, “I…. I…”

Gabriel laughed cruelly, “Now, to work….” He raised the sword above his head, bracing himself, before bringing it down in one graceful swoop.

White-hot pain spread from Aziraphale’s right shoulder. Aziraphale wanted to do scream, to writhe in pain, but he couldn’t speak anymore, he couldn’t move anymore, he couldn’t breathe anymore. Gabriel raised the sword and again brought it down, this time on his left shoulder, but Aziraphale barely took notice, however. He was vaguely aware of the golden liquid that was running down his back and chest onto the carpet, but he didn’t care. All he could think of was, _“Crowley… not good enough for him… never good enough… Crowley… too soft… pathetic…,”_ over and over again in his head. It was like an endless record, doomed to spin for the rest of eternity.

“Why isn’t he screaming!? He… he’s not doing anything! Why isn’t he doing anything, Gabriel?!” Michael panicked; this wasn’t supposed to happen. Their plan was falling apart before her very eyes.

“Calm down Michael!” Gabriel snarled and grasped the sides of her collar, “We accomplished what we came here to do. Now, let’s get out of this wretched place, I can only take so much of this dump in one day.” Michael and Uriel nodded and regained their composures. There was a bright flash of light and the bookshop was empty again.

Aziraphale continued to lay there as blood dripped onto the floor, his eyes glassy.

(The Bentley)

Crowley

“Goddamn it! You just had to say three, THREE simple goddamn words! What a fucking coward I am… I’ve had six thousand years to figure out my feelings and I couldn’t even bloody say it!” He rained blows on the steering wheel. In response, the Bentley began to play Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy just to spite him.

Crowley groaned and placed his head on the steering wheel. He had arrived at his flat, but he didn’t want to go in, not yet. “I know, I know, it’s just… it’s just so hard. We’ve had to hide for so long…. And I don’t want to hurt him. I already almost lost him once, and I don’t want that to happen EVER again… But I need to tell him the truth; I at least owe him that.” He sighed and there was no noise, except for the soothing noise of the radio, for quite a while. Then, Crowley spoke…

“Right, I need to tell him tomorrow. Sit him down and tell him. If I don’t say it tomorrow, I never will. And if he doesn’t feel the same way… if he doesn’t feel the same way, I have to accept it and respect his decision. We can still be friends…. Yeah…..”

He sat up real fast. Something was wrong. Something was wrong with Aziraphale! As he revved up the Bentley and sped back to the bookshop, Crowley felt a sense of déjà vu. This was exactly how he had felt when he saw the smoldering form of the bookshop not long ago. In fact, it was only two days ago. Had it really only been two days? To Crowley, it felt like an eternity had passed. He shivered, that had been one of the worst days of Crowley’s life. He had never actually lost Aziraphale before, sure they had gotten in plenty of fights and near discorporations, but Aziraphale always came back. But the fire was different…when he thought he had lost him for good to those pricks…. Well, it had hurt Crowley a lot more then he’d like to admit. Aziraphale was the most important person in Crowley’s life, he was the only one who understood him. If Crowley lost him… he wouldn’t know what to do… Life would…. become meaningless… He prayed to someone that it was just a false alarm and Aziraphale was okay. It would be a story that they would chuckle at from time to time. How overprotective Crowley could be sometimes.

He pulled up and quickly got out of the car, the pit in his stomach dropping further down. His hands shook as he reached for the doorknob. He took a breath and stepped in.

“Aziraphale…? Angel…?” he cautiously walked around, looking for any signs of danger. He sniffed the air… multiple angelic presences had been here, fairly recently too. His pace began to grow frantic at the sight of the overturned bookshelves. If they hurt Aziraphale…

“Azira….” He stopped, not believing what he was seeing. It was Aziraphale; there was blood all over him, but he didn’t seem to care. Those bastards…. those bastards actually cut off his wings! Crowley stumbled towards his angel and tried to think of something…. Anything that could help Aziraphale.

“Aziraphale! Aziraphale, you’re- you’re gonna be okay, alright…” Fuck, there was so much blood, why was there so much blood?! He tried to pull Aziraphale off of the floor without causing him too much pain, but that was easier said than done. Once Crowley sat him upright, he noticed that, throughout all of this, Aziraphale had not said or done a single thing. The Angel’s face had an empty look that shook Crowley to his core.

He… he couldn’t be dead, otherwise, his physical body wouldn’t be here, but… but he wasn’t moving. Why wasn’t he moving!?

“Aziraphale! Aziraphale, I need you to move or say something, then I can fix you right up, okay?” Tears started to form. He tried to wipe them away, leaving streaks of Aziraphale’s blood all over his face, but he hardly noticed. “Angel… please… just say something… anything! Please…” He sobbed, hoping he would hear that lovely voice…

But there was nothing… nothing but silence as Crowley wept.

  


  


  


  


  


  



	2. Just a Totally Normal Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What a typical, well, almost typical day looks like for Crowley while he's taking care of Aziraphale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has implied alcoholism in it so be warned. Enjoy!

_ Out in the Garden where we planted the seeds _

_ There is a Tree as old as me _

_ Branches were sown by the colors of green _

_ Ground had arose and passed it knees  _

_  
_

(Aziraphale’s Bookshop, One month Later)

Crowley

_Beep! Beep! Beep!_

Crowley mumbled obscenities under his breath as he rolled off of the tartan couch to turn off the stupid alarm he had set for himself. It seemed to him that, no matter how early he went to sleep, it never seemed like enough. Once the alarm was off, he rubbed his eyes tiredly and went to grab Aziraphale.

After the accident, Crowley had made the executive decision to permanently move into the bookshop to take care of the Angel. After all, Aziraphale wouldn’t last a month on his own, and Crowley wasn’t a cruel creature. Occasionally he left for short periods of time to water his plants or run errands, but he spent most of his time here. He didn’t really mind taking care of Aziraphale, even if all Aziraphale did was stare into the distance with that glassy look most of the time. Though, if he were to be honest, the loneliness was starting to take a toll on him. More than once, he found himself waking up, bottle in hand with more surrounding him, unable to remember what he did the night before. He was always ashamed afterward, promising never to do it again, but not much later he found that he couldn’t help himself and the process began all over again.

“Aziraphale…. It’s time to get up, Angel!” He said brightly as he walked into the back room to where Aziraphale lay. It’s not like Aziraphale actually slept; he mostly just lay there, motionless, occasionally blinking, but it made Crowley feel better, so he did it anyway. “There, we are, up you go.” He slowly sat Aziraphale up, careful not to touch where his wings had been cut off. “Now, let’s get you dressed, then we’ll open the up bookshop, sound good?” He didn’t expect an answer, so he began to unbutton Aziraphale’s nightshirt. Sure, Crowley could just miracle on his clothes, but… it felt good, you know, to hold him. Even after all that happened, Crowley still loved Aziraphale with every part of his being, and he would take care of Aziraphale like this for the rest of time if it meant he got to spend every day with him. He looked around dazedly, he had zoned out again, hadn’t he? He was starting to do that more and more lately and it was beginning to worry Crowley, but that was a problem for another day. He shook his head slightly and went back to unbuttoning.

Once the last button was undone, Crowley slid off the shirt and went to inspect the wounds. They weren’t as bad as they had been that night, but it still shocked Crowley every time he saw them. Two jagged scars etched down the Angel’s back. They had scabbed over in a sickening crimson color, but occasionally they were still prone to bleeding if Crowley moved him too much. Anger flowed through Crowley at the sight of those awful, ugly things. They were a reminder to him… a reminder never to leave Aziraphale alone EVER AGAIN. He looked away, face full of guilt, and went to grab some clothes for Zira to wear.

Once Aziraphale was dressed, Crowley helped Aziraphale to his feet and led him to a chair near the register. “There you go, Angel. Now, it’s time to open up.” He flipped the sign so that it read open and waited for someone to walk in.

If it were up to Crowley, he would keep the bookshop closed, but then people would get suspicious so… Besides, it gave him a chance to socialize for once. Not that he didn’t mind the one-sided conversations with Angel, but it was nice to have someone reply.

The bell rang and Crowley snapped out of his train of thought as an old woman entered the shop. “Hello, welcome to A.Z. Fell and Co., if you need any help feel free to ask me!” He tried to sound as much like Aziraphale as possible, even though it made him want to grimace.

The woman smiled, “Hello dearie, I appreciate it, but I’m just looking around today. Why hello Mr. Fell! How are you on this fine day?” She turned to face Angel, who continued to stare in the distance.

Crowley sighed. Most of Aziraphale’s regular patrons knew about his… condition, but occasionally someone came in and was confused to see Crowley instead of Mr. Fell at the register and he had to explain to him that… that Mr. Fell had suffered from an accident and Crowley had taken over. It killed him to see their pained expressions, but it also made him happy to know that people cared about his Angel, maybe even as much as he did.

When he had finished, the woman was thoughtful for a moment. “I’m so sorry…Well,” she patted his hand in reassurance, “I’m glad he has someone who loves him so much to take care of him.”

Crowley stammered, trying not to blush, “Y-yeah, it- it’s no problem really I..” but she had already walked away. After that awkward display, things at the bookshop pretty much returned to normal. That is until a certain witch walked in…

“Anathema! What brings you in this time of day?” Over the past weeks, Crowley and the Witchy American Woman were starting to become really good friends. Occasionally, she would come over and have a few drinks with Crowley. It was fun, but it still felt a little weird considering he used to do that with Aziraphale….

“Well,” she casually leaned on the counter, “I’m staying in London for a week or two to take care of some business, and I was wondering if you wanted to out and have a drink sometime. You know, actually go out and interact with people who actually talk back.” She said that last part quietly, looking at the floor with a nervous expression on her face.

“Anathema…” he ran his hand through his hair, “you know I can’t leave Aziraphale alone. I can’t even imagine what would happen if I did…” Without realizing he was doing so, his eyes drifted towards Aziraphale, who was still sitting in a chair near Crowley behind the register, seeing nothing. “Besides, why can’t you just come over here like you usually do?”

“Because you need to socialize Crowley!” She yelled in exasperation, “It can’t be good for you to be alone all the time. I know you need to take care of Aziraphale, but what about you?!” She lowered her voice, “I know about the bottles Crowley. I get that you’re a demon and all… but anyone could see from a mile away that you’re struggling. I care about you and you’re my friend and…I just want to know that you’re okay.”

Crowley scoffed, “You don’t know what I can handle Anathema. How could you? You’re just a human, after all.”

“Well, that may be so, but I know when someone is stressed. Look, I won’t force you to hang out, but if you change your mind… call me, okay?” She turned and walked out.

Crowley rolled his eyes, “What does she know?” There was nobody left in the bookshop, so he decided to close early today. “C’mon, Angel, why don’t we sit on the couch yeah?” He drifted Aziraphale towards the couch. Once he had gotten him in a comfortable position, Crowley went and grabbed a book from Zira’s exorbitant collection.

Even though Crowley wasn’t exactly sure that Aziraphale could hear him, he still enjoyed reading passages from his Angel’s favorite books. Tonight, he was reading Oscar Wilde. Crowley smiled; Zira had been quite fond of him back in the 19th century. Pity he had had such an untimely end. He sat on the chair opposite from Aziraphale, and started reading…

“Well, if my heart must break, Dear love, for your sake, It will break in music, I know, Poet’s heart break so…”

Crowley’s eyes began to blur with tears. No, he couldn’t do this, not now, not in front of Aziraphale. He sniffed and rubbed his eyes, “Pretty good poem, ay Angel?” He grinned and picked the book back up again, “But strange that I was not told…”

By the time Crowley had finished reading, it was nearly midnight. He yawned and got up from the chair, his back aching from sitting there so long. “Time for bed.” He grabbed the Angel’s arm and shivered. He would never get used to that cold, dead feel that came with touching Aziraphale nowadays. He tucked Aziraphale into the comfy bed that he had added to the backroom when he had first moved in. As he turned to leave, he gave a conflicted looked and leaned in to kiss Aziraphale’s forehead softly. “Goodnight, Angel.” He turned off the light and went to sleep himself.

  



	3. In the Mind of an Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We finally get a look at what's going on on Aziraphale's head and Crowley makes some mistakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long, I had a bit of problems while writing this chapter because there were so many ways I could've done it. This one is also quite a bit shorter, but my next one will be longer. Also, trigger warning, this one has a lot of language and alcohol use. I hope you enjoy it!

_ Cause, I built a home _

_ For you _

_ For me _

_ Until it disappeared from me _

_ From you _

_ And now, it’s time to leave and turn to dust _

(The Backroom)

Aziraphale

 _“N-no, Crowley please… please don’t leave me!”_ Aziraphale wanted to scream as he closed the door to the room, but he couldn’t get his mouth to move. He was soon surrounded by darkness, with only a small glimmer of light coming from under the door to see by.

 _“He kissed me on the forehead.”_ Aziraphale could still feel the ghost of the demon’s lips on his skin. _“Maybe… maybe he does love me…”_

 _“Who are you kidding,”_ a voice sneered from the darkest corners of the Angel’s mind, _“he doesn’t care about you! Don’t you remember the conversation he had with Anathema this afternoon? Couldn’t you see the longing in his face at the idea of going out? Instead, he has to stay here and take care of you. You’re nothing more than a burden; a load of baggage that he’s forced to carry. And it’s all your fault. You should’ve done something when they came for you. Instead, now you’re just some pitiful excuse of an Angel who makes other people clean up your messes. That’s all you are; a fat, pathetic loser…”_

_“N-no you’re wrong. Crowley… he- he cares about me!”_

_“Really,”_ the voice snarled, _“you know I’m right. You…”_ The room was suddenly illuminated with a bright light and Aziraphale snapped out of his train of thought. It was… Crowley? He looked the happiest Aziraphale had seen him in months. He was also very, VERY drunk.

“AnGelll!” He lurched forward, grabbing the door for balance as he made his way towards Aziraphale. He tripped over a shoe and chuckled as he landed on the floor. Aziraphale had never seen him this inebriated before. 

After a good ten minutes of struggling, Crowley had finally sat himself down at the edge of the bed near Aziraphale’s knees. “How’ssss it going?” Aziraphale had noticed over the centuries, that after Crowley had had a few drinks, he tended to hiss when he talked. Crowley took a swig from the bottle he was drinking from and continued, “Oh… right, you can’t answer back…” His face grew somber.

“Do you remember that night, that one night of freedom we had before thingsss went to shit? Do ya? Well, I wanted to tell you sssomething. Something I should’ve told you yearss, decades ago, but I was too much of a coward. Then you got your wingsss cut off and I may never get to tell you… to tell you how much I love you! Angel, my heart aches at the thought of you. You’re the only one who understandss me! I love your love for humanity, your old-fashioned ways, even your stupid books! You complete me! Can’t you sssee, Angel? I am absolutely, irrevocably, in love with you!” He laced his fingers around Aziraphale’s hand and began to lean in. He suddenly shot up, as if he had just realized what he was doing. Aziraphale noticed that his face had paled considerably, “I- I’m going to throw up!” He let go of Aziraphale’s hand and stumbled out the door.

 _“No… Wait …. Please,”_ Aziraphale wanted Crowley to stay; he wanted to reach out and tell him how much he loved him too, but instead he just continued to lay there. A single tear ran down his complacent face as he continued to stare at the ceiling.

(The Bookshop)

Crowley

Crowley barely made it to the sink in Aziraphale’s small kitchen in time. His throat burned like liquid fire as he vomited. When his stomach was finally empty, he rinsed the sink, not wanting to look at the mess any longer. He then collapsed on the floor and put his face in his shaking hands.

“Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck! What the FUCK did I just do?! How could I be so god damn stupid!?” He had really done it now. Why did he confess? Anyone could’ve been listening in! He glanced at the door as if Gabriel was going to burst through it at any moment. Crowley shook his head and took a deep breath in, trying to calm himself _. “Okay, I need to get it together. I. NEED. TO. GET. IT. TOGETHER.”_ Eventually, the shaking stopped, and he was able to think clearly again. “ _This is no time for me to lose my shit. It’s very unlikely that Heaven would do anything now. They already took Aziraphale away from me; what more could they do? And Aziraphale… Aziraphale… he probably didn’t hear a thing that I had said to him. He’d probably be disgusted with me anyways if he had heard me. It’s fine, everything’s fine. Everything’s fine. Everything’s fine. Everything’s fine. Everything’s going to be just fine.”_

He groaned, leaning his head back to try and stifle the tears that were beginning to form. No, he would not cry; he refused to cry. He didn’t deserve to cry. It was all his fault and he needed to accept that… It was ALL. HIS. FAULT. Once he had regained his composure he placed his head back in his hands.

“Stupid alcohol…”

He didn’t move from that spot for a long, long time…


	4. That Night Out Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley continues to struggle with his emotions and Anathema reminisces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I am so sorry I haven't been posting lately; I've been super busy recently and haven't had as much time to write as I would have liked. Also, I decided to split this chapter into two parts cause it's taking me so long to write this one. Anyways, I hope you like it and I'll try to respond to comments as soon as I can!

_ By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top _

_ I climbed the tree to see the world _

Crowley woke up from his spot on the floor and covered his eyes from the bright sunlight streaming through the windows. Man, he had really overdone it last night. Wait, why was he on the floor? As he got up the events of last night came rushing back to him and he began to feel lightheaded.

No.

He clutched the cabinet and forced himself upright. He didn’t deserve to wallow in self-pity, not when he caused this whole mess. He needed to apologize to Aziraphale. Who knows what the angel thought of him after that embarrassing spectacle?!

He took a breath, smoothed his hair back, and walked towards the door leading towards where Aziraphale lay. _“On the count of three, I’ll walk in, alright? One…. One…. One… C’mon, stop being such a coward. Ok, one, two, three.”_ He turned the knob and sauntered in.

“Aziraphale! How’s it going? Um, I wanted to discuss something with you. About last night… Ngk, I wasn’t in my right mind. Had a little too much to drink. Heh, kind of reminds me of that time in Paris a couple of centuries ago, you were so drunk that you tried to eat a sponge thinking that it was a crepe! Do you remember… umm, anyways, I hope you’ll forgive me and not take anything I said seriously. Um, yeah, I’ll just be out there…doing stuff. I’ll check on you in a little bit. Err, see you… yeah.”

“Well, that could’ve gone better,” he growled, once he was out of the room, “but it wasn’t the worst apology I’ve ever given. Now, what do I do now?”

 _“You know what you could do…”_ A voice in his head whispered.

“No, I can’t. I can’t leave Angel here alone.” Crowley paced around the bookshop, picking up the various bottles from the night before. “What if something were to happen to him again? Heaven could still be after us…”

 _“C’mon,”_ the voice tempted, “ _you haven’t sensed any other supernatural presence, angelic or otherwise, for the past month. One night out with Anathema couldn’t hurt. You might even enjoy yourself. You might even start to feel happy…”_

“You don’t know what you’re talking about!” Crowley snarled, “I’m perfectly happy with my life.”

“ _Stop lying to yourself; you know the truth. You’re fucking miserable. You try to cope with losing your best friend by drowning your sorrows in alcohol. You are constantly moving and never stop because stopping would allow the harsh reality to come crashing down. How bloody sad is that?! You can’t even move on!”_

“Shut up.”

_“You’re so pathetic that you can’t even admit it to yourself! Why can’t you see; Aziraphale is never coming ba-”_

“I said SHUT UP!” Crowley launched a glass bottle he was holding at the wall. The glass shattered with a loud crash, sprinkling bits of glass and alcohol all over the floor.

“Fuck!” He snapped his fingers and the mess disappeared before collapsing on the couch. He’d lost his temper again. It was all just so exhausting sometimes. Maybe he really did need a break…

He pulled out his phone, examining the dark screen.

“It’s just for one night.”

He clicked the dial button.

(Somewhere in Central London)

Anathema

_Buzz, buzz, buzz!_

Anathema set down her notebook and pencils and pulled out her blaring cellphone. A snarky grin spread across her face when she saw who was calling.

“So, reconsidered my offer have you?”

“Ngk, yeah, I thought about it and… one night out couldn’t hurt.”

Anathema’s smile faltered, “Hey, are you sure that you’re okay? No offense, but you, sound a little…”

“What?!”

“Nothing. Anyway, meet me here at nine and we’ll go barhopping. Sound good?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there. See you then.” The line went dead.

“Um…okay then.” She put the phone on her desk and sat down with a look of perplexion. “Oh Crowley, what have you gotten yourself into?”

She remembered the first time she had met the demon and the angel; she was not a fan. Granted, they had just hit her with their car. They were such an odd couple, those two. Aziraphale, with hair so blond, it looked almost white, tartan bowtie, and old-fashioned lingo. Crowley, with his black clothing and edgy attitude. They were complete opposites, and yet, they complimented each other perfectly…

Crowley was so happy then.

The second time, though, was quite different from the first. The world was ending, and that wasn’t a figure of speech, the world was quite literally ending. When Crowley and Aziraphale had revealed their true selves; she gasped in realization, and the puzzle pieces had clicked into place. Agnes’s prophecies, they had finally made sense. For years and years, she and her ancestors had poured over Agnes’s book, yet none of them could have predicted this. She had so many questions, questions that they could provide answers for. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem like the appropriate time to ask them, as the ENTIRETY OF HUMANITY WAS ON THE LINE! By the time the crisis was averted, it was too late.

Luckily, after copious amounts of research, and some help from her boyfriend’s former boss, Sergeant Shadwell, she was able to track them down. She decided to go to Aziraphale’s first, as he seemed like the more approachable one. However, when she had knocked on the door of the shop, she was shocked to find a scowling Crowley at the door.

“We’re closed!” He paused, a look of recognition replaced his glare, “You? You’re that American woman with the bicycle. What do you want?”

“First off, my name is Anathema and I, well, I had some questions about, um, Heaven and Hell and I thought, who better than to ask then the agents who work for them?!”

Crowley rubbed his eyes and sighed deeply. Anathema noticed that his hands were shaking slightly. “Fine but make it quick.” He led her inside.

“I was hoping to speak to both you and Aziraphale so that I could, you know, get the full narrative.” She glanced around the bookshop curiously, wondering what secrets lied there. Suddenly, they stopped in front of a large and ornate door. 

“You really want to know what Heaven is like.” Crowley turned to face her, his voice grave, “Just look at what they did to their own principality.” He opened the door.

Anathema gasped, her eyes widening in horror at the scene that lay before her. It was Aziraphale, but he wasn’t the frumpy, kindhearted angel he had once been. Instead, he was this placid, empty shell.

“What- what did they do to him!” Until the apocanope, she had always pictured Heaven as this bright and happy place, free of imperfection. That is, until she saw Gabriel, a literal Archangel, press an 11-year-old boy to end the world just to prove that he was the better leader. Since then she had looked down upon Heaven with disdain, but she never thought that they could do something… something so sickening. How naïve she had been then.

“They cut off his wings, the bastards. They couldn’t just let us be. Had to make an example of us. Something must have gone wrong, though, because Aziraphale… he- he just sits there now.” He glanced at the angel with a face full of pain, “The worst part was, I never got to tell him that…that I-”

“That you love him.”

“How did you-”

“Oh please, I could tell from the very beginning. It also doesn’t hurt that I can read auras. You’re practically glowing purple, which is the color of love, mind you. You know what else I can see... that you’re stressed. Maybe you can talk about it with me. It might make you feel better.” She added as an afterthought.

There was an awkward silence as Crowley thought about it. He took one last glance at Aziraphale before giving an almost uncaring shrug, “I guess I could try it. It’s not like I have anything else to do today.”

So that’s what they did, they talked. Crowley told her everything from the Garden of Eden to misplacing the Antichrist. It may not have been much, but he looked much better by the end of it. As she was leaving, he said something surprising…

“You’re not so bad… for a human of course. If you’re ever in the area, you can stop by if you want. Ngk.” He gave a small smile.

She grinned, “You’re not so bad either. Stay cool, Crowley.” She had waved goodbye… knowing that, like most of the experiences that had happened in her life, this was going to be interesting.

Anathema snapped her fingers. That was it! Talking to Crowley had always worked before. Maybe if she could get him to open up and tell her what’s wrong… she could try and help him get through it.

All she had to do was come up with a plan and oh what a plan it would be, or her name wasn’t Anathema Device.

(The Bookshop, Later that Evening)

Crowley

Crowley smiled as he checked his hair one last time in the mirror. There, perfect for the night on the town. Now, all he had to do was make sure that Aziraphale was secured, and he’d be on his way.

He hated the thought of lying to Aziraphale, but if he told him the truth… it would destroy the angel. Aziraphale wasn’t a burden to Crowley, he was more than happy to take care of him; he just, needed a break. Everyone takes breaks from time to time. A couple hours out and Crowley would be at Aziraphale’s side before he could say “ineffable”.

“Hello, Aziraphale!” He strode in, trying to sound confident. “Listen, I forgot to water my plants this week and I have to head my flat for a little bit. I may be gone for a couple hours cause, you know, need to make sure they’re growing well. They better be or they’re in for it. Anyways, don’t worry, you’ll be perfectly safe. I’ll see you in a couple hours. Ngk, bye.” He closed the door, locked it, and, as an extra precaution, he made it so that the door to the backroom couldn’t be seen by anyone but him.

“Showtime,” he smirked as he got into the Bentley, his chest feeling much lighter than it had in weeks.

(The Backroom)

Aziraphale

_“He left you.”_

_“No,”_ argued Aziraphale, _“he just went to water his plants, that’s all. You know how much Crowley loves his garden.”_

 _“Really?”_ The voice sneered, “ _You’ve known Crowley for 6,000 years now. Surely, you’ve picked up enough of his nervous tics to know when he’s lying. You want to know what he’s really doing? He’s having the time of his life with that young woman, Anathema, was her name? He’s probably not even thinking about you right now.”_

_“You’re being ridiculous. Crowley wouldn’t do that. You don’t know him like I do-”_

_“That’s precisely my point. Do you not remember when he slept for nearly an entire century? He left you utterly, and entirely alone then. Or what about the time he left at the gazebo, the apocalypse mere hours away,? Don’t you see, he’s just going to leave again. He can’t handle it. He can’t handle the responsibility of taking care of a pathetic creature like you. You broke him, Aziraphale. Even Crowley, the only friend you had left, can’t stand you. I wouldn’t be surprised if he never came back and just left you here to rot in this cell.”_

_“N-no, you’re wrong. You’ll see, my dear will be back. You’ll see.”_ Aziraphale closed his eyes and prayed, harder than he had ever prayed in his long, long life, that Crowley, his love, would come back. Just, please, come back.

_“Please.”_


	5. That Night Out Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things don't go as planned between Crowley and Anathema and the bookshop is under turmoil. Trigger Warning: excessive alcohol use, bad language, fighting, robbery, descriptions of pain, dark thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm back from the dead, I've been so busy over the past few months that it took me way longer than expected to write this chapter. With school starting a couple of months ago and having more homework than ever, I really needed to take a mental health break. I assure you that the next chapter won't take so long to come out! :)

_ When the gust came around to blow me down _

_ I held on as tightly as you held onto me _

(Somewhere in Central London)

Anathema

“Took you long enough.” Anathema folded her arms smugly and smirked.

“You know me, one must always be fashionably late or some shit like that.” Crowley grinned back, “So are you getting in the car or what?”

“Actually, I was thinking that we could walk. It’s not that far from here and it’ll give us some time to catch up.”

“C’mon Anathema, I’ve barely gotten to drive my car this month,” He groaned, but followed Anathema as she walked away anyways.

“So, where’s this bar we’re going to? It better be fit for God Herself given how much we’re walking.”

Anathema rolled her eyes, “I thought we’d go to a nice restaurant and eat some dinner first. And before you object,” She countered as Crowley started to sigh, “unlike demons, I, a human woman, need to eat before drinking excessive amounts of alcohol, otherwise I’m going to have a massive hangover tomorrow. After dinner, we’ll head to the bar next door. Sound good?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” He eventually grumbled. Good, it was all going according to plan. She could’ve just used alcohol to make him spill what was really going on, but that didn’t seem like the best idea. He was already drinking excessively as a way to forget his trauma; who knows what would happen if she were to trigger all those painful memories while he was drunk. He would never trust her again. No, the most effective way to get the information that she needed was to have a face to face conversation while they were both sober. That way, they were both in full control of their mindset, and no trust or boundaries were broken. For this to work, she needed to make him feel comfortable; make him feel like he was in control. She had to be careful though because, as soon as he felt like he had lost control, he would go silent. Luckily, she thought that she had figured out a way to get him to say exactly what she wanted…

“We’re here!” She led him into the small, somewhat dingy restaurant. Sure, there were better restaurants that she could’ve chosen, but those were all big, crowded places with too many people. Crowds would only overwhelm Crowley; make him feel on edge, and that was the opposite of what she wanted to achieve. The smaller the place, the more receptive he’d be. Yes, you could say that she was overthinking this, but better to be overprepared rather than under.

“Ready to order?”

“Yeah, I’ll have the special.” She handed him the menu.

“And for you?”

“Uh yeah, I’ll have that chicken thing thanks.” He turned back towards Anathema as the very confused waiter bustled away.

“Why did you actually bring me here, Anathema?”

Uh oh.

Just play it cool. “I haven’t had anything to eat yet and-”

“You know that I can sense when people are lying, right? Or did you forget that I’m a demon?” He raised his eyebrows. Oh, how she wanted to slap that smirk off his face… No, she needed to stay on topic. She couldn’t let him weasel out of this. Maybe it was time for Plan B, bluntness. 

“Fine, I brought you here so that we could talk. A bar didn’t seem like the best place to do that so…”

“And what exactly is so important that we needed to talk about it in a restaurant instead of a bar?”

I don’t know,” She peered into those dark sunglasses, “I was hoping you could tell me that.” She noted the look of surprise on his face and the ways his hands fidgeted and filed it away for a later time.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m perfectly fine with my life right now,” he snapped.

“Funny, I never asked how you were doing, yet you answered anyways.” She snapped back. This was not going at all how she thought it would. Time to adapt.

“Look, I couldn’t possibly imagine what you’ve been through, but look at yourself, Crowley! How long can you keep this up!?” Anathema shouted, not caring about the strange looks she was getting from the family at the table across from where they were. “Now,” she sighed, “I know talking won’t fix everything, but it might help you feel better. So, please, tell me what’s wrong. No “I’m fines”, no “I’m okays”, no bullshit. I want the truth, Crowley.”

“I-I,” he sputtered. She had gotten through to him, good.

“Fine,” He finally said after he regained his composure, “I’m not all right. Is that what you want to hear Anathema. Is it?!”

The waiter came and set their food down on the table. She gave him a tight-lipped smile. Talk about bad timing. She had just gotten him to start talking.

When they were alone again, Anathema cleared her throat, “Where were we? Right, we were talking about you. Please, continue.” She took a bite of her salad and smiled.

Crowley scowled, but complied, “I did something stupid and I may have screwed up things with Aziraphale.”

“Ok, what do you mean by “screwed things up”, Crowley? What did you do to Aziraphale?”

“I didn’t do anything to him!” He growled as if just the very thought of hurting Aziraphale repulsed him. “I told him that I loved him.” He whispered, so quietly that Anathema almost didn’t hear him.

“You what!” She had expected many things, but not that.

“I had a few too many drinks and I walked into his room and I told him that I was in love with him and I ruined everything!” Anathema could see how tired, how so very tired he was. Even by just saying that one sentence, she could see the stress slowly leaving his aura. “It’s all my fault…this never would have happened if I had just been there for Aziraphale.”

Anathema broke out of her trance. “Crowley, no! Don’t you ever say that!” She grabbed his hand, and he looked up at her in surprise. Anathema paused, unable to comprehend the amount of regret that lay on the demon’s face. “It… there’s nothing you could’ve done that night. You had no idea they would come to the bookshop last night. And how could you have possibly ruined things with Aziraphale by telling him that you loved him?”

“If not the fact that Heaven could have heard everything that I said; it’s that he doesn’t feel the same way about me.”

“Do you know that for sure?”

“No, but he’s an angel. How could he love me in that way? No, he only sees me as a friend.”

“Crowley… is it really so crazy? I mean, he stood by your side as the world was ending. That seems like a sign to me.”

“Yeah, well he also left me when I need him most!” And there it was. All the anger Crowley had been harboring all these weeks, maybe even months.

“What do you mean?”

“At the bandstand. The end of the world was only a couple hours away and he still wouldn’t help me. He was still on their side even after all they had done to him. I tried to get him to run away from me as a last-ditch effort, but…” he trailed off, lost in thought.

Okay, this was also something new. Crowley had told her about the bandstand before, but it was a very vague and generalized story.

“Maybe you should try to look at it from Aziraphale’s point of view. I’ve seen how cold Heaven can be, you have to understand that he was under a lot of stress too. You’re being a little selfish here.”

Shit.

Why did she say that?! Of course, he wasn’t being selfish! He was just a grief-stricken man, well, man-shaped being, who missed his best friend.

“I- that’s not what I meant I…” She tried to take it back, but it was already too late.

“Oh, I know exactly what you meant!” He snarled. He began to get up from his chair.

“No, Crowley! Wait-” But he had already miracled himself out of the restaurant, leaving only his uneaten plate in his place.

Damn it.

(A Bar somewhere in Central London)

Crowley

“ _How could she say that!? HOW could she say that!!? What did she know!? She didn’t have to take care of her best friend every day knowing that he was only some semblance of the wonderful, amazing person they used to be!”_ He felt betrayal and hurt course through him. She was the only one he had left…. He thought that she had understood…

Oh, how alone he felt.

Suddenly, the memories that he had buried deep down in his heart came flooding through Crowley like a hurricane. Oh, it hurt. It hurt so much. He can’t take it. His heart can’t take it. He needed to make it stop. Why won’t it stop?! Why won’t the pain stop?!

“What’re you havin’?” Crowley looked at the bartender with contempt as he struggled to silence all the voices, all the grief, in his head.

“Give me whatever’s drinkable in this place.” Alcohol had worked after Jesus died, maybe it would work now.

“You got it,” he slid the beer towards Crowley. The demon took it with shaking hands. As he took a sip of the amber liquid, he could already feel his thoughts slowing down; the memories fading away just a little more as the drink spread through his bloodstream and into his racing mind.

Maybe this century would be better slightly drunk.

(Meanwhile, at the Bookshop)

Aziraphale

CRASH!

_“Huh? What was that noise? Crowley?”_ He had heard quite a loud crash earlier. Maybe Crowley was back early! Maybe he would walk in and greet him with a smile at any moment!

_“Or it could be Gabriel coming to finish the job. He probably knows all about you and Crowley…”_

“Dude! Can you fuckin’ watch where you’re going! We’re gonna get caught if keep knocking over every single god damn thing!” A muffled voice came from right outside the door to where Aziraphale lay.

“Geez sorry.” Another voice growled.

“Take all the valuables you can find. I’ll go through the register.”

“You got it.”

Burglars. Aziraphale tensed. They were near the cashbox already; they just needed to take the money and be on their merry way.

“Hey, some of these books look pretty old; I’d reckon that we can a pretty sweet payload if we sell some of these. What d’you think?”

“Yeah! I think you’re on to something. Grab some of those books. I’m almost done with this anyways, then we can blow this joint.”

“ _No!”_ His books! He had spent so many centuries building his collection and caring for his first editions, and they were just going to sell them!

His heart broke as he heard the books being shoved into the bottom of some bag without a care in the world. He wanted to do something, but he couldn’t move. He couldn’t do anything about it because he was just trapped here! Held in a place that was once his safe space but had now become his prison. His eyes twitched as he felt his prized possessions being destroyed.

_“Please just leave. Just take the books and go already!”_ It was no use, he needed to take matters into his own hands. If Aziraphale could just focus, then he could perform a miracle and get them out of there.

However, there was a problem with that plan. Aziraphale hadn’t performed a miracle in a month, and it didn’t he wasn’t exactly in the right mental state either, but he had to try.

He closed his eyes and tried to focus. He just needed to clear his mind and focus on what he wanted to happen, and it would happen.

All he could think of, however, was that night. The cold grip of Michael holding him down. The white-hot flash of pain as the sword sliced through him. Crowley’s slumped bod as he had held him and cried

Blast it! It was no use! He couldn’t do it. He was… stuck. Stuck in the past; stuck in his own head. Unable to comfort Crowley when he so desperately needed it. While Aziraphale may have lost some of his abilities when he had his wings removed, he could still sense emotions. He couldn’t sense Crowley’s very often, as he was too good at hiding them away for that, but occasionally his walls wavered and Aziraphale could feel the horrible agony that Crowley kept so well hidden away from peering eyes.

It was anguish that even Aziraphale didn’t have the words to describe. The closest he could come to explaining it was when he had accidentally stepped into a pentagram some millennia ago. He had not realized his error until he felt a burning from his feet to the tips of even his wings in the corporeal plane. For hours he was trapped there, feeling as if his entire essence was slowly slipping away from him, that is, until Crowley had found him. He had been so weak then. Crowley could have easily discorporated him at that moment, but he hadn’t. Instead, he had taken him to his abode, where he had cared for him until he was back on his feet. 

That was it! Crowley had always been there for him in times of danger. It was like he could sense Aziraphale’s worry. Like they were connected somehow.

Aziraphale yet again took a deep breath in and shut his eyes, trying to concentrate. This was going to be tricky, very tricky, but it was clear that a miracle wasn’t going to work. If he could reach out just a little more…

Suddenly, as weightless as a feather, he felt his body leave the physical plane. He opened his eyes again. He was… in a bar? He turned around to find Crowley, looking more miserable than ever, drinking deeply from a bottle.

Aziraphale’s heart broke at the sight. He shook his head; there was time for mourning later. He needed to get Crowley’s attention.

He slid near the demon and tried to catch his attention by waving, but Crowley either didn’t notice or didn’t care. He sighed in frustration.

“Crowley…” he breathed weakly, “please… help me…”

“Angel?!” Crowley whipped his head around, looking for the source of the voice, “Is that you?!”

Aziraphale tried to answer him but found that he couldn’t. He was too weak; his physical body was calling him back. No! He had just gotten there! He needed more time! He needed more time!

Aziraphale screamed for Crowley as he felt himself being dragged back towards the bookshop, but no one seemed to hear him.

(Somewhere in Central London)

Anathema

“Crowley? Are you in here?” Anathema shouted over the ruckus of the bar. The fifth one she had gone to so far. She had checked every bar within a mile radius of her and had still found nothing. She checked her mobile again to see if he had responded to any of her calls and texts, but still nothing.

She was beginning to grow really worried. With the emotional state that he was in, who knows what Crowley would do. She needed to find him and help him calm down, but where could he possibly be?

She facepalmed herself. As usual, she was overthinking this. If she was thinking logically, he would likely either be at a bar getting wasted out of his mind or back at the bookshop. She had checked all the nearby bars already, so the only logical place left was Aziraphale’s.

After walking out onto the chilly street, she hailed a taxi to take her to downtown Soho. Once she was there, she would clear up this whole misunderstanding.

It was all going to be just peachy.

A Bar

(Crowley)

“Angel?! Is that you?!” He could’ve sworn that he had heard Aziraphale’s posh voice right next to his ear. He tried to sense any presences in the bar, but only found a lingering scent of Angel where he should have been.

The words had barely been above a whisper, but one word stood out to Crowley like a bright red stop sign.

Help.

He stood up and walked out of the bar, unnoticed by anyone. His car was on the curb, waiting for him like an old friend.

“C’mon old girl,” he got in, and clutched the steering wheel till his knuckles turned white, “we’ve got an angel to save.” He wouldn’t fail Aziraphale this time. He’d do whatever it takes to protect him.

Even if it means losing himself in the process.


	6. Cinnamon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale finally overcomes his inner demons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're reaching the end here. Only 2 more chapters left. Thanks for sticking with me. I really appreciate all the comments and kudos! :)

_ And, I built a home _

_ For you _

_ For me _

(The Bookshop)

Anathema

“Thanks for the ride. Keep the change.” A state of uneasiness overcame her as she approached the door to the shop. She went to use the spare key but found that the door was already unlocked.

“Crowley? Is everything okay in- oh my god!” The store was entirely wrecked apart with neither Aziraphale nor Crowley in sight. Did Crowley do this? He would never hurt Aziraphale like this, would he? Perhaps he was in such a low enough emotional state that he had finally snapped, and in his blind state of rage destroyed everything in sight.

“Oh, Crowley. What did you do?” She brushed her hand on the nearly empty bookshelf. Oh, Aziraphale was going to be so devastated.

“Anathema?” She turned to find Crowley standing in the doorway, breathing heavily. His normally pristine appearance had become a chaotic disaster. His jacket hung off his shoulders, his glasses were askew, making his serpent’s eyes visible, red hair hung in sweaty strings around his face.

“Crowley, what the Hell happened here? This place is a disaster! Please tell me you didn’t do this.”

“No! Anathema, please just leave.” She started to protest, but he stopped her in her tracks, “No. Please just stop. Look, I’ll explain everything later just please go.”

“Fine. I’m leaving.” She turned to find that Crowley was already walking away from her as if in a trance.

As much as she wanted to stay, she felt that she would be pushing it. She would just have to trust that Crowley and Aziraphale would be okay.

“Goodbye, Crowley.” She made to leave, the bell ringing as the door closed behind her.

Aziraphale

Crowley was back! He had heard him! It had worked! He-

BOOM!

The door crashed open, revealing a panicked Crowley. He came to Aziraphale’s side, mumbling incoherent nonsense.

“Oh, Angel. I’m so sorry. It’ll be okay. I’ll fix this. Aziraphale, please. I can fix this. You’re not hurt, are you? Oh, what’ve I done?” He sat down on the bed and stared at the floor in a daze.

“I should have never left. I’m sorry… I just wanted a night out. I shouldn’t have lied to you, Angel. Oh, I’ve really done it now. I’ve failed you yet again, haven’t I. Unforgivable, that’s what I am, right? I…” He let out a shaky breath and went silent.

_“Oh, Crowley. Do you really think that about yourself? My dear boy, why can’t you see me how I see you? Oh, I’m so sorry.”_ He needed to comfort him. Tell him he’s wrong! He needed to do this. He will do this.

_“You fool. Do you really think that you can escape? NO! You’re supposed to stay here with me! YOU CAN’T LEAVE! I’M A PaRt Of YOU nOw ThAT yoU caN NEvEr gEt RID of! AcCEpt It!”_

 _“With all due respect,”_ Aziraphale spoke his tone cold, _“I’m going to have to ask you to shut_ _up! For weeks you have been tormenting me and my dear demon and I have had enough of it! You do not control me, not anymore. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a serpent to comfort.”_

 _“NO! NOOOO! This isn’t over….”_ The voice faded and Aziraphale snapped back into reality. Shakily, he reached out his hand and gently placed it on Crowley’s.

Crowley looked up, his eyes widening, “Angel?”

“C-Crowley…” Aziraphale started but was unable to finish as Crowley pulled him into a bone-crushing hug. Somewhat unsteady, he moved his arms to hug him back.

“Oh, Aziraphale! You’re back! Angel, I can’t believe your back!” He sobbed into Aziraphale’s ear. The angel could do nothing but bury his head into the demon’s shoulder and cry.

He smelled like cinnamon.


	7. Epilogue Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One year later.  
> *No trigger warnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for 1,000 reads! I never expected so many people to be interested in my little fic! Only one more chapter left before it's over! Also, just a heads up, I didn't talk much about Aziraphale and Crowley healing from their tramua this chapter but I'll go a little bit more into this next one. Enjoy!

_ Until it disappeared  _

_ From me _

_ From you _

“Oi, Aziraphale, it’s me. Are you ready for our dinner yet?” Crowley set down the flowers he had brought on a side table and collapsed onto the well-worn couch. Roses, freshly cut from his garden, he’s sure that Aziraphale would absolutely love them.

Despite his protests, not even four months after coming back from his comatose state, Aziraphale had insisted that Crowley move back into his flat. Crowley had submitted eventually, but only after Aziraphale promised to send him a signal at the first sign of danger.

“Really Crowley, I’m not a child,” he huffed afterward, “I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”

Nevertheless, Crowley still tried to stop by as much as possible to make sure things were still good. As much as he fussed and complained, Aziraphale would dawn a look of relief whenever he thought Crowley wasn’t looking.

“Just a minute, my dear boy. Sorting things out.” Angel called back from the other end of the shop, slightly muffled.

Crowley felt a surge of affection in his chest, warm and comforting. Just as posh and fussy as ever.

He hadn’t told Aziraphale about his feelings yet. Neither of them had been in a very good place last year and it just didn’t seem like a good time, especially after all that Aziraphale had been through. He had been so fragile then; it wouldn’t have been fair to just spring that on him. He had waited 6,000 years already; one more was nothing.

He was planning to tell Aziraphale tonight, though; after their dinner. They were both beginning to get past the trauma they had faced, and clearly Heaven and couldn’t care less about them; why not now?

He just hoped that Aziraphale would return them back. However, he didn’t want to go too fast for Aziraphale, who was still healing. If he said that he wasn’t ready, it would hurt, but Crowley would try and understand as best he could.

“Crowley, are you still there? Oh, I do hope I haven’t kept you waiting too long.”

“Nah, still here, Angel. Can’t rid of me that…. easi…ly.” Crowley’s jaw dropped to the floor in shock. A crimson blush building around his neck.

“Aziraphale, your outfit…”

(Aziraphale)

“What? What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?!” Sure, the red bow tie had been a bold choice, but he didn’t think that it looked that bad on him.

“No, no! I don’t mean that. I just, I’ve never seen you in darker colors before. It suits you.” Aziraphale noticed Crowley’s face turn a deeper shade of red as he turned away awkwardly. “Ngk, we should head out. Wouldn’t want to be late.”

“Oh, alright.” Aziraphale nodded, choosing not to mention that they could just use a miracle to keep the table open. Besides, the sooner their dinner was over, the sooner he could finally tell Crowley what he had meant to tell him over a year ago.

He had it all planned out. Once they had finished eating, well, once he had finished eating and Crowley had finished absentmindedly picking at his food, he would confess his feelings to him.

Over the past months, they had gotten closer. Much closer than they ever were before. It presented itself in subtle ways, but it was clear that their relationship had changed. One thing that Aziraphale noticed in particular was how much they touched each other. Back then, even the slightest bit of contact made Aziraphale’s chest clench in fear. The only exception was that night in that church back in the ‘40s when Crowley had handed him back his beloved books. He had craved that warm touch ever since then. But now, usually unconsciously, he would find himself clutching Crowley’s shoulder as the demon told him a story, his fingers lightly brushing against the well-worn fabric of the demon’s jacket as they walked around St. James Park, or even, on one memorable occasion, brushing Crowley’s now long hair out of his eyes as he slept on the couch in the bookshop with gentleness he hadn’t known he possessed.

“Angel? You okay? Are you having flashbacks?” Crowley asked, a note of worry in his voice.

“Oh? Oh yes, sorry, dear, I was just thinking.” He had been so caught up in his thoughts that he hadn’t even noticed that they had already arrived.

“Are you sure? We can do this another night and just hang out at the bookshop if you’re not feeling up to it…”

“I assure you that I am perfectly fine. Now, why don’t we head inside?”

“Yeah… alright. Just tell me if anything changes.”

“Of course, dear.” They got out of the car and made their way to the restaurant, Aziraphale feeling lightheaded with giddiness.

Let’s do this.


	8. Epilogue Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The time has finally come! Though it's not as perfect as either of them had expected it to be.

_ And now, it’s time to leave and turn to dust _

“Here are your seats, my good gentlemen. Now, I’ll be right back with your menus and let you get settled.” The waiter said as he led them to their table.

“Yeah, thanks,” Crowley gave him a curt nod. It was going to be a very, very long meal at this rate. It took everything he had not to tell Aziraphale everything right then and there. Patience Crowley patience, it will come in due time.

“It’s quite busy tonight, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Crowley said dismissively, not really paying attention.

“My dear, you seem distracted. Is something bothering you?”

“I-”

“I’m back with the menus! Now, do you have anything in mind to drink, or do you need some time to look?”

“I would like the merlot, please. Crowley?”

“I’ll have the same, thanks.” 

“Now, what’s got so worked up, dear?” Aziraphale inquired once the waiter had left, “Why, I can feel the bouncing of your leg practically shaking the table!”

“Oh, sorry, didn’t even notice…” Crowley laughed fretfully as he forced his leg to stop.

“Please, dear,” Aziraphale unexpectedly leaned over and enveloped Crowley’s cold and slightly scaly hands in his warm and soft ones, “just tell me what’s on your mind. You don’t have to deal with this alone for my sake. I know you try to hide things from me, like the nightmares-”

“You know about those?”

Aziraphale gave a sad smile, “Of course I do, Crowley. Who do you think soothed you as you thrashed and screamed on the couch?”

“I- I’m sorry, Angel. I didn’t want to worry you. ‘Specially with the panic attacks…” Those had been awful. The slightest noise would send Aziraphale off the rails. It would sometimes take hours for Crowley to convince him that Gabriel wasn’t coming for them.

“It’s alright. Just please don’t keep things from me anymore. We only have each other now and I don’t want to lose you again.”

Crowley sighed, defeated, “I guess ’m just a little nervous about us going out tonight. We haven’t done anything like this in a while and I worry about you.”

“I’m really glad that we chose to come out tonight, it feels like we’re getting a part of our lives back. Let’s just enjoy the night, shall we?”

“Yeah, sure Angel,” he grinned, “sounds good.”

(The Ritz)

Aziraphale

Aziraphale couldn’t help but glance with worry at Crowley while they were eating. Maybe he shouldn’t tell him tonight. It may be too much for him. But he had promised no more secrets…

Perhaps he should wait till they were finished and see how Crowley was then. Yeah, that would be best.

\---

“Are you finished eating, sirs?”

“Yes, thank you. It was absolutely lovely.”

“Great! I’ll just take your plates and I’ll be back in a few with the bill.” He left, nearly running into a couple who was on their way out

“Quite eager isn’t he?”

“Yeah…”

“So…” Aziraphale started, trying to keep the conversation going. His heart was thumping in his chest; he wondered if Crowley could hear it. He could not bear the silence any longer and finally blurted, “I have to tell you something!”

Crowley’s eyebrows raised above his sunglasses, “You do? Funny, I have something I need to tell you as well, but you go first…”

“Crowley, I…”

“Yeah?”

“Crowley, I’m in love with you! Since we were at the church I’ve been, but I was afraid and a coward. I know I’ve said some truly wretched things to you over the decades and I’ve regretted them ever since. I was actually going to confess to you that night that Gabriel came for me, but, of course, things happened so I’m doing it now. My dear Crowley, you are the best thing to happen to me, and I haven’t said it enough, but you’re so goddamn beautiful and I am in love with you…” He finished, to caught up in the moment to continue and looked up at Crowley.

The demon’s face was one of shock, as Aziraphale had expected. However, what he hadn’t prepared for, was the laughing.

“Crowley, please.” he pleaded, his worst nightmare coming to fruition.

“Angel,” Crowley said, ignoring Aziraphale, “do you know why I wanted us to come here tonight?”

“Um, well, uh, to get to get out for a while since we haven’t really left our respective places in a few weeks. Why are you asking me this now, dear?”

“I brought us here, Aziraphale,” Crowley wheezed as he continued to chuckle, “because I was going to confess to you. I had planned on doing it right after dinner too, but you seemed to have beat me to it.”

“Oh… Oh!” Aziraphale sat up in realization, “I’m so sorry, Crowley, I ruined your moment.”

“S’okay, Angel.” He grinned, “At least it all worked out for the best, didn’t it? I mean, at least I think so…”

“Yes, it rather well did,” Aziraphale smiled back in relief. “Um, my dear?”

“Yeah?”

“Could I, perhaps, kiss you please? Only if you want to, of course! I don’t mean to pressure you-”

“Angel, I would love that more than anything in the world right now,” Crowley admitted and began to lean in, and Aziraphale found himself doing the same.

“Sirs, your bill has been paid. Looks like you’re all set and ready to go.” Aziraphale pulled back quickly, his cheeks slightly red, at the sight of the overeager waiter who couldn’t seem to take the hint.

“Um, yes. Thank you. Crowley, why don’t we get going.” He began to get up from his chair.

“Thank, you have a good evening!”

“Thank you!” Crowley called back politely, but as soon as they were out of earshot he growled, “Officious prick.”

“Crowley! He was only trying to do his job.” He chastised, though secretly, deep down, he agreed with him.

“Yeah, well, he ruined our perfect moment.” They had reached the Bentley now, but Crowley hadn’t made any move to get in.

“Are you really going to be sulking over something so trivial for the rest of the night?”

“Hmph.”

“Oh, for Heaven’s sake!” Aziraphale suddenly rushed forward, pressing Crowley against the car as he began to kiss him senseless.

It was unlike anything Aziraphale had ever experienced. No one in Heaven or in Hell could possibly understand the warmth and love that blossomed in his chest as he held the Serpent of Eden against that car. When he finally pulled away, he found a want swelling up inside of him. A want for more.

“Tell me honestly, dear,” He gasped against Crowley’s chest and looked up into that shocked face,” did you pretend to be annoyed so that I would kiss you?”

“Yeah, ngk, maybe.” He gave a mischievous smirk.

“Oh, you daft demon!” He leaned in and kissed Crowley again, though this time it was much softer and gentler.

“As much as I would like to keep kissing you, Angel,” Crowley said dazedly, “we should probably get going or we’ll never leave this spot.”

“Oh alright, but don’t think you’re getting out that easy when we get back to the bookshop.” Aziraphale teased as he finally released Crowley and got in the car.

\---

As they drove home, couldn’t help but stare at Crowley. He still couldn’t believe that this lovely, nice, regardless of how much he despised that word, demon, was his.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

“Oh, I was just thinking about how much I love you.”

“Oh, really? Here I was thinking that you’d be tired of me by now.”

“My dear, I assure you that I could never, ever get tired of you. I will always be there with you every step of the way, and if that path involves getting drunk and arguing about dolphins, then I’m all for it.”

Crowley only chuckled and grabbed Aziraphale’s hand, pressing it to his lips. While Aziraphale knew that it would never go completely back to normal, there would always be a shadow looming over him, but at least now Crowley would be by his side through it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here it is, the end of the story! Thank you so much for sticking with me throughout this long ride! Every comment, kudos, and bookmark is greatly appreciated!   
> If you would like to check out my other fic, Aziraphale through the Ages I'll leave the link below. It only has one chapter so far but I'm going to be updating it soon!  
> Aziraphale Through the Ages:  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/27544444/chapters/67366222


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